The price of being nice

We all know a people pleaser.

Saying yes without a second thought; apologising even when they know they weren’t in the wrong; struggling to ask for what they want; they feel guilty for changing plans; never committing time to themselves because other peoples need are so much more important than theirs; they’re just plain terrified of being rejected if they don’t give in to every whim offered to them.

Or maybe this is you…

But there is a price to being nice. 

People-pleasing is a common behaviour that involves prioritising the needs and desires of others over one’s own. While you may think that always being helpful and pleasing others should be worn as a badge of honour, people-pleasing can not only be bloody exhausting but there is a good chance it is chipping away at your emotional wellbeing and could lead you to more serious emotional dysfunction or relationships that will cause that dysfunction.  

Life, even a good one, has it’s challenges, but understanding the reasons for being a people-pleaser and learning how to ‘fix’ it and compassionately taking those little scary steps, will diminish the ‘struggle of life’ significantly. 

How to identify if you’re a people pleaser

Clinical psychologist, Harriet Braiker, developed a questionnaire to help individuals identify the extent of their people pleasing tendencies.  Completing this questionnaire may help you to recognise, not just the extent of your people pleasing if you know you are a people pleaser, but recognising your people pleasing tendencies could help validate why you feel life is such a struggle. 

In her book, The Disease to Please, Harriet Braiker also refers to The 10 commandments of people pleasing.  If you have people pleasing tendencies, reading the typical thoughts and beliefs that people pleasers have, in black and white, may help you recognise how subservient and unhealthy this thought and belief pattern is. 

1. I should always do what others want, expect or need from me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they asked for help or not. 
3. I should always listen to everyone’s problems and try my best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone’s feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
6. I should never say no to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems. 

And a hidden 11th one which is:

I should fulfil all of these should and shouldn’t expectations of myself completely and perfectly. 

If you don’t identify with any of the above, then the good news is that it is unlikely you are one.  However, one of many things my clients have taught me is that a lack of self-awareness could make it difficult to recognise that you do actually have the above people pleasing  “should” beliefs. In this case Harriet Braiker’s Seven Deadly “Shoulds” could help you recognise your reality – or reinforce it if you’re not sure. 

1. Other people should appreciate and love me because of all the things I do for them.
2. Other people should always like and approve of me because of how hard I work to please them.
3. Other people should never reject or criticise me because I always try to live up to their desires and expectations.
4. Other people should be kind and caring to me in return because of how well I treat them.
5. Other people should never hurt me or treat me unfairly because I am so nice to them.
6. Other people should never leave or abandon me because of how much I make them need me.
7. Other people should never be angry with me because I would go to any lengths to avoid conflict, anger or confrontation with them. 

If you don’t identify with any of the above, I think it is safe to say that you are not a people pleaser.  But if you do, what I will now share will hopefully help you to choose to find a way to live your life differently.

Possible reasons for becoming a people pleaser

If you identify with being a people-pleaser, validating it can always be helpful in some way.  Here are some reasons why individuals manifest into people-pleasers: 

1. Overprotective or controlling parents: If a child grows up with parents who are overly protective or controlling, they may learn to prioritise their parents’ wants and needs over their own. This can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing behaviour in adulthood, as the individual may continue to prioritise the needs of others over their own often due to feelings of guilt and obligation leading to anxiety, self-doubt, and a need for validation from others. 

Examples:

• Sarah: Sarah grew up with an overprotective mother who was afraid to let her daughter take risks or make mistakes. Sarah’s mother was always hovering over her, giving her constant advice and direction, and criticising her if she did not follow her instructions. As a result, Sarah developed a fear of failure and a need to please her mother at all costs. Sarah became an overachiever, always striving for perfection in everything she did. She also became very anxious about disappointing her mother or making mistakes, even in small matters. This led to Sarah’s people pleasing behaviour, where she always put other people’s needs and expectations ahead of her own, afraid to assert herself or make decisions that might displease others.
• John: John grew up with a controlling father who had very high expectations for his son’s academic and athletic performance. John’s father would constantly criticise him for not working hard enough or for not being as successful as his peers. John became very anxious and self-critical, always striving to meet his father’s expectations. As a result, he became a people pleaser, always seeking validation and approval from others. He would often compromise his own needs and desires to make others happy, and would avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs. 

2. Conditional love or approval: If a child grows up in an environment where their love and approval are conditional upon their behaviour, they may learn to prioritise pleasing others in order to receive love and approval. This tends to instil feelings of worthlessness and/or inadequacy leading to a pattern of people-pleasing behaviour in adulthood to feel good about themselves.  They also tend to struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem, always seeking validation from others to feel worthy.

Examples:

• Lisa: Lisa grew up with a mother who was emotionally distant and critical. Lisa’s mother rarely showed her affection or praise unless she did something that her mother approved of. Lisa learned to associate love and validation with doing what her mother wanted, so she developed a people pleasing behaviour. Lisa became overly accommodating and always tried to please others to avoid rejection or disapproval resulting in having low self-esteem and anxiety, always seeking validation from others to feel good about herself.
• Tom: Tom grew up with a father who was very strict and had high expectations for his son’s behaviour. Tom’s father would only show him love and affection when he behaved in a way that his father approved of. Tom learned to associate love with conforming to his father’s standards, so he developed a people pleasing behaviour. Tom became a perfectionist, always striving to meet his father’s expectations and seeking validation from others. He was afraid to assert himself or take risks because he feared disappointing his father or being rejected by others. 

3. Cultural or societal norms/expectations/pressures:  Some cultural or societal expectations may reinforce the idea that individuals should prioritise the needs and wants of others over their own, leading to a need to please others and avoid conflict.  They also tend to struggle with asserting themselves and making decisions that go against cultural expectations, leading to anxiety and self-doubt.  Some cultures or societies may also place a high value on being polite, agreeable, and accommodating from which the habit of people pleasing develops. 

Examples:

• Mei: Mei grew up in a culture that valued collectivism and conformity. Mei’s parents emphasised the importance of respecting authority and fitting in with social norms. Mei internalised these values, was always trying to please others and avoid conflict, even if it meant compromising her own needs or values. Mei struggled with asserting herself and making decisions that went against cultural expectations, leading to anxiety and self-doubt.
• Raj: Raj grew up in a culture that emphasised academic and career success. Raj’s parents had high expectations for their son’s academic performance and career prospects. Raj learned to associate success and validation with meeting these expectations leading him to became a perfectionist, always striving for success and seeking validation from others. Raj was afraid to pursue his own interests or take risks because he feared not meeting cultural expectations or being judged by others. 

4. Trauma: Experiencing traumatic events, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, individuals learn to suppress their emotions, their own needs and can create a need to please others as a coping mechanism.  They use this as a way to avoid conflict or to protect themselves from further harm. They also struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and difficulty asserting themselves in other relationships. 

Examples:

• Maria: Maria grew up in a household with an emotionally abusive parent who frequently criticised and belittled her. Maria became overly accommodating and submissive to avoid conflict and to please her parent. As a result, Maria struggled with setting boundaries and asserting herself in other relationships leading to a cycle of abusive relationships. She also had low self-esteem and anxiety, always seeking validation from others to feel worthy.
• Sam: Sam experienced childhood sexual abuse from a family member. In order to cope with the trauma, Sam would go out of his way to please others, even if it meant compromising his own safety or well-being. Sam struggled with intimacy and trust in his relationships, and often felt shame and self-blame for the abuse he experienced. 

5. Childhood experiences: People who grew up in environments where they were constantly criticised, punished or there was a lack of emotional support, may become overly accommodating and submissive to avoid conflict or punishment.  They struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and difficulty asserting themselves in other relationships. 

Examples:

• Jake: Jake grew up with a critical and emotionally distant father. His father would frequently criticise him for his mistakes and rarely showed him any emotional support or affection. Jake learned to cope with the lack of emotional support by becoming a people pleaser. He would go out of his way to please others and avoid conflict, even if it meant compromising his own needs. Jake struggled with low self-esteem and anxiety, always seeking validation from others to feel good about himself.
• Sarah: Sarah grew up with a father who bent to every whim of her mother.  Her mother often didn’t treat her father very well, but he was always there committed to keeping her happy.  Sarah’s mother would often yell at her or punish her, leaving Sarah feeling anxious and insecure. Sarah’s father would also encourage and praise her for ‘keeping’ her mother happy.  Sarah’s father was himself a people pleaser and she picked up many of her people pleasing habits from her father.  Sarah dedicated her early life to receiving her mother’s approval and trying to please her to validating her wishes and supporting her needs. But even when she moved out and could begin her own life, nothing changed. She had learned to manage her mother’s feelings by having none of her own. And when she finally left home, she found herself continuing those pleasing patterns. She married a man who was critical and dismissive of her, and yet she still sought to please him, turning a blind eye to his drinking and the extramarital affairs.   Sarah struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem, always seeking validation from others to feel accepted and loved. 

6. Fear of rejection/abandonment: Past experiences of rejection or disapproval in past relationships can lead to a fear of rejection in future relationships, leading them to constantly seek approval and avoid conflict at all costs. They also struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and difficulty asserting themselves in other relationships.  

Examples:

• Emma: Emma grew up with a single mother who struggled with alcoholism and was emotionally unavailable. Emma would go out of her way to please others and avoid conflict, even if it meant compromising her own needs or values which led her to a cycle of toxic relationships. She struggled with low self-esteem and anxiety, always seeking validation from others to feel loved and accepted.
• Michael: Michael grew up with a parent who was emotionally unstable and unpredictable, without warning, staying away for days, not knowing when or if he was going to return.  Michael learned to cope with the fear of rejection by becoming a people pleaser. He would always try to please others and avoid conflict, even if it meant compromising his own needs or values. He struggled with low self-esteem and anxiety, always seeking validation from others to feel accepted and loved. 

7. Social pressure: Certain social situations, such as work environments or social groups, may place a lot of pressure on individuals to conform and please others, leading to fear-based people-pleasing behaviours.  They also struggle with anxiety and self-doubt, always seeking validation and approval from others to feel successful and valued. 

Examples:

• John: John is a college student who grew up in a working-class family. He is the first person in his family to attend college and feels a lot of pressure to succeed. John always tries to please his professors, classmates, and even strangers, even if it means sacrificing his own interests and goals. John struggles with anxiety and self-doubt, always seeking approval from others to feel successful and valued.
• Maria: Maria is a young woman who works in a male-dominated industry. She feels a lot of pressure to prove herself and to be seen as competent and capable. Maria always tries to please her colleagues and supervisors, even if it means working long hours and taking on more than her fair share of work. Maria struggles with anxiety and burnout, always seeking validation from others to feel successful and respected. 

8. Anxiety: People who struggle with anxiety disorders may feel that the only way to avoid rejection or disapproval is to constantly please others.  Because of this they also struggle with assertiveness and setting boundaries in their relationships. 

Examples:

• Sarah: Sarah has social anxiety disorder, which makes her feel anxious and self-conscious in social situations. She copes with the anxiety by becoming a people pleaser. Sarah always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing her own interests and values. She struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in her relationships, always feeling like she needs to put others first to avoid rejection and judgment.
• Mark: Mark has generalised anxiety disorder, which makes him feel anxious and worried about everyday things. He copes with the anxiety by becoming a people pleaser. Mark always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing his own interests and values. He struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in his relationships, always feeling like he needs to put others first to avoid conflict and negative emotions. 

9. Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may believe that their worth is determined by the approval and validation of others. Individuals with low self-esteem may fear rejection or disapproval from others, leading them to prioritise pleasing others over their own needs and desires as a way to cope with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. They also struggle with assertiveness and setting boundaries in their relationships. 

Examples:

• Jessica: Jessica grew up with a critical and emotionally distant mother who frequently put her down and made her feel unworthy. Jessica coped with the low self-esteem by becoming a people pleaser. She always tried to please others, even if it meant sacrificing her own interests and values. Jessica struggled with assertiveness and setting boundaries in her relationships, always feeling like she needed to put others first to be accepted and valued.
• David: David is a man in his mid-30s who has always struggled with low self-esteem. He was bullied in school and often felt like he didn’t fit in. David always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing his own interests and values. David struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in his relationships, always feeling like he needs to put others first to be accepted and valued.  

10. Perfectionism: Those who hold themselves to unrealistic standards and constantly strive for perfection with the pressure to be perfect and meet high standards, may feel like they have to please others to avoid criticism or disappointment.  They also struggle with assertiveness and setting boundaries in their relationships, always feeling like they needed to maintain the peace, make others happy, and meet their needs to feel valued and accepted. 

Examples:

• Emily: Emily is a perfectionist who always strives for excellence in everything she does. Emily always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing her own interests and values. She struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in her relationships, always feeling like she needs to be perfect and meet everyone’s expectations to avoid criticism and rejection.
• Alex: Alex is a perfectionist who always sets high standards for himself. Alex always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing his own interests and values. He struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in his relationships, always feeling like he needs to be perfect and meet everyone’s expectations to avoid failure and disappointment. 

11. Personal values: Some individuals may place a high value on harmony, cooperation, and making others happy, which can lead to people-pleasing behaviours.  Individuals learn to prioritise the needs and expectations of others over their own needs and goals. They also struggled with assertiveness and setting boundaries in their relationships, always feeling like they needed to maintain the peace, make others happy, and sacrifice their own needs, to feel valued and accepted. 

Examples:

• Maria: Maria is a person who values harmony and cooperation in her relationships. She copes with conflicts and disagreements by becoming a people pleaser. Maria always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing her own interests and values. She struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in her relationships, always feeling like she needs to maintain the peace and make others happy.
• John: John is a person who values making others happy in his relationships. He copes with the pressure to meet the needs and expectations of others by becoming a people pleaser. John always tries to please others, even if it means sacrificing his own interests and values. He struggles with assertiveness and setting boundaries in his relationships, always feeling like he needs to make others happy and meet their needs to feel valued and accepted. 

You will notice that although the life experiences of the individuals taht manifest into people pleasing, can be very diverse, the ultimate struggles for every single one of these people pleasers, is a lack of self-worth, anxiety and difficulty asserting themselves in relationships. 

It’s important to note that people-pleasing behaviour is often complex and that these causes can be, and usually are, interconnected.  Additionally, not everyone who grows up in these types of environments and circumstances will develop people-pleasing behaviour.   

If you are a people pleaser, understanding the underlying reasons for your people-pleasing behaviour can help you to start to break free from self-defeating thinking and develop a healthier relationship with yourself and with others. 

The pains of a people pleaser

Other than a lack of self-worth, anxiety and difficulty asserting themselves in relationships, people pleasers tend to struggle with most of the following:

Lack of boundaries: People pleasers often have difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries. This can result in being taken advantage of, feeling overwhelmed, and having a lack of control over one’s own life. 

Approval-seeking: People pleasing can become a way of seeking approval and validation from others. This can lead to a reliance on external validation and a lack of self-confidence. 

Inauthenticity: People pleasers may suppress their own thoughts and feelings in order to avoid conflict or to please others. This can result in feeling disconnected from your true self and a lack of personal authenticity in relationships. 

Resentment: When people pleasers consistently prioritise the needs of others over their own, they may begin to feel resentful or bitter towards those they are trying to please. This can lead to strained relationships and emotional exhaustion. 

Cycle of toxic/abusive relationships:  Due to their lack of healthy boundaries, people pleasers tend to attract individuals with toxic behaviours into their lives and their people-pleasing behaviour can make it more difficult for individuals to recognise and acknowledge abuse they may be experiencing. They may downplay or excuse their abuser’s behaviour, or blame themselves for not being able to please their partner and maintain a healthy relationship.  People-pleasing behaviour tends to be one of the strongest contributors to a cycle of abuse in which the victim’s sense of self-worth and agency are eroded, making it more difficult for them to leave the relationship and seek help.  

Self-neglect: People pleasing often involves neglecting one’s own needs and desires in favour of others. This can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and burnout. It can also likely one to neglect important aspects of your own life, such as personal goals and basic self-care. 

Nice but boring:  For relationships to be truly fulfilling, there needs to be an element of healthy challenging of one another, discussions of points of view, healthy disagreements.  Without an opinion or idea of their own, it is difficult for people pleasers to offer any true intellectual compatibility in relationships.  Being on the receiving end of all the niceness can feel boring and lonely.

Overall, while people pleasing can be a positive trait in some situations, it’s important to recognise the potential negative consequences and to find a healthy balance between meeting the needs of others and prioritising one’s own needs and desires.  Pleasing yourself is not about saying “me first” but rather saying “me too”.

How to recover from being a people pleaser

Acknowledgement & Validation:  The very first thing to do is to honestly and self-compassionately acknowledge and accept that you are a people pleaser.  Feeling guilt or shame about the impact your people pleasing has had on you and those you care about, is not going to help you overcome it.  A little self-forgiveness will go a long way.  Harriet Braiker’s questionnaire to reaffirm the extent of your people pleasing tendency, is also likely to be helpful as some form of validation.  If you’re going to commit to some reading time, Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live by Emma Reed Turrell is a good read for a better understanding and validation of people pleasing and also offers a little guidance on how to stop being a people pleaser. 

Self-care:  Self-care is essential for everyone, but especially for people-pleasers. The emotional work required to rehabilitate from being a pleaser will require a good foundation of self-care to sustain the emotional journey.  Make time for activities that both bring you joy and help you recharge.  The element of recharge is most important to bring back and maintain emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Prioritising self-care will help you feel more balanced and less drained to be able to deal with the challenge. 

Identify your needs and wants: People-pleasers prioritising the needs and wants of others over their own, can leave them feeling unfulfilled, resentful and surprisingly feeling alone and lonely. Take some time to reflect on what you really want and need in your life, and make a list of these things. This will help you become more aware of your own desires and start prioritising them.  Some sort of core/personal values exercise is also likely to be helpful. 

Develop Healthy Communication Skills/Learn to say no: Saying no can be difficult for people-pleasers, but it’s an important skill to learn. Practice setting boundaries and saying no to requests that don’t align with your needs or values. Remember that it’s okay to prioritise your own needs and that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person.  But it is important to remember, no is NOT a one word sentence.  Well, not in most cases anyway.  But if we want to limit conflict in our lives, we need to be able to say no from a place of compassion, for ourselves and those on the receiving end.

But developing healthy communication skills and setting healthy boundaries is not only about learning to say no.  Whether saying no, trying to remediate some kind of conflict or just any old difficult conversation, we need to be able to express our wants and needs and consider the other person’s wants and needs, from a place of compassion. 

Recognise your own value: People-pleasers often seek validation and approval from others.  This behaviour comes from a lack of self-worth and the more you actively seek it, the lower your self-worth gets.  At every moment of self-doubt, loneliness and questioning of your value, remind yourself that you are good enough. 

Challenge negative beliefs: People-pleasers often hold negative beliefs about themselves and their abilities, which can contribute to their behaviour. Challenge these negative beliefs by recognising their irrationality and replacing them with more positive and realistic ones. 

Seek support: Changing people-pleasing behaviour can be challenging, and it can be helpful to seek professional support.  

But fundamentally you are going to need to allow yourself to get comfy with those icky emotions which you’ve spent your whole life shoving as far down as possible, and then practicing new ways of thinking and behaving.  This is about changing a lifetime habit, so you can see the challenge. 

A takeaway . . .

It’s important to note that people-pleasing behaviours can be adaptive and helpful in certain situations, such as in a customer service role or when navigating social situations. However, when people-pleasing becomes a habitual pattern that negatively impacts one’s own well-being and relationships, it is important to make changes to break this pattern and to seek professional support if you’re not able to do it on your own.

People-pleasing behaviour can be detrimental to one’s mental and emotional health, as it often involves prioritising the needs of others over one’s own. Understanding the reasons for being a people-pleaser, such as fear of rejection, the need for validation, difficulty with conflict, and guilt, can help individuals start to make positive changes in their behaviour. By learning to identify their own needs and desires, practicing saying no, prioritising self-care, recognising their own value, seeking support, practicing assertiveness, and challenging negative beliefs, individuals can break free from people-pleasing behaviour and live a more fulfilling life. It takes time and effort to change this behaviour, but with patience and perseverance, it is possible to develop a healthier and more balanced approach to relationships and personal fulfilment.

If you are a parent, consider whether your present parenting style could be creating a people pleaser in the future.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent, but we can always commit to being a better parent today, a better person today, than we were yesterday, one day at a time, one small step at a time.

How has being a people pleaser affected your life and relationships? Do you have any additional thoughts or insights to share?

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