Building emotional resilience ultimately means falling in love with ourselves so that we confidently feel ‘good enough’. This feeling ‘good enough’ then helps us be loved by others, and love others, better. In other words, it helps us build connections with others that are essential for a life filled with joy and happiness.
There are so many of us struggling to reach that place of joy and happiness. It may surprise you to realise that the solution is actually really simple. Note that I say simple and not necessarily easy.
It’s really all about creating new habits. New habits of living. And like it is with establishing any new habit, it takes practise. And for some, this will take far more practise than it will for others.
When you’ve been unconsciously practicing bad habits of living for years and years, it would be unreasonable to expect it to be a walk in the park. But like any new habit, with practise, everything becomes easier and better.
Until the point when I decided I was going to be willing to believe I was good enough, I had already invested in three psychotherapists. Each one of them just seemed to make me feel more depressed. So I decided to do the work on my own.
Here’s my recipe in building emotional resilience by nurturing self-love. I learnt it the hard way through much trial and error. But I know it works, because it worked for me (after a few stumbles along the way) . . . and I know it works for my clients.
1. Self-awareness
In a Harvard Business Review of a number of studies in relation to self-awareness, they came to the conclusion that there are two types of self-awareness: inner awareness and external awareness.
The review suggests that when we reflect on our inner selves, we are then able to gain clarity on our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, values, strengths, and weaknesses – which is not really anything new. And once we are able to do this, it becomes far easier to recognise the impact we have on others.
And then, when we look outward, we start to understand how people view us. People who have developed enough compassionate inner awareness, who then become aware of how people see them (as a reality and not triggered perception), are more likely to be compassionate towards others by being able to see different perspectives.
And fancy that, but this research also found that people with self-awareness are happier and have better relationships. 🙂
So what kinds of things can we do to help us develop self-awareness?
Journaling – I would always suggest journaling as an essential to building self-love. It has therapeutic values that are severely underrated. Not just for reflecting on day-to-day life, but particularly for building yourself up to confidently feeling ‘good enough’.
Journaling allows you to express your thoughts, feeling, desires, plans, hopes – free of judgment or limitations – to re-discover who you are and what you want to do with your life.
Acknowledging your thoughts – before you start the work in retraining your negative thoughts, just acknowledging them is a really important first step. Once you commit to trying this I’m pretty sure you’ll be shocked at how you talk to yourself.
Reflection – reflect on your behaviours, interactions and reactions throughout the day. Reflect on what you were thinking at the time. Reflect on what you were feeling at the time. Just commit to becoming aware. Reflect on the behaviours of others while interacting with you and how you may have contributed in some way to their response or reaction.
External clarification – if after reflection you are still not sure of the impact you may have had on the behaviour of others, the next best thing would be to clarify this with them. This is understandably challenging for those that have not yet developed a compassionate level of self-awareness. And be aware that you can build enough self-awareness through doing inner work first to be able to make transformational changes in your life. But if you really want to build self-awareness, asking for clarification from others, ideally honest, compassionate others, is the cherry on the top.
2. Retraining your thoughts
It’s not what we feel is the problem. The problem is the thoughts that cause us to feel the emotions.
To change the way we feel, we need to change the way we think.
Emotions are simply our body’s reaction to what we are THINKING, whether we’re thinking on purpose or not.
It is our mental filter that a situation passes through – aka, our interpretation – that then causes our emotional reaction to a situation.
Consider this:
Think about something you want but don’t have.
You may think you’re unhappy because you don’t have it.
Consider whether you’ve ever been happy while not having it?
How about all those times your mind was occupied with something else that stopped you THINKING about not having it?
There were times you were happy, right?
So you can see, not having what we want is not what makes us feel bad, it’s the THOUGHT of not having it that makes us feel bad.
So, all we need to do is retrain that mental filter.
Haha, ALL we need to do…?!
Ok, I know, it’s not that simple.🤗
It doesn’t need just a little practise, but quite a hefty bit of daily practise.
But with persistence and consistence, this daily practise will make us realise that we are lovable, and WORTHY of that love.
Thought retraining is a challenge for everyone and this is the one thing that many people require some kind of professional help.
Studies show that negative thinking is human nature and cannot be totally eradicated.
But keeping our thought muscles under control is something each and every one of us needs to keep on doing to create and maintain happier and more fulfilling lives.
3. Getting comfy with negative emotions
If we allow our negative emotions to build up, layer upon layer, without being healthily processed, this is when it can also lead to some kind of, and sometimes extensive, emotional dysfunction. That overflowing emotional bucket tends to manifest in either very passive or very aggressive types of behaviours. And the longer one carries on ignoring negative emotions, there is a stronger chance of it also leading to physical conditions like gut conditions, fibromyalgia, brain fog, auto-immune conditions like lupus and many more.
And too often, if we don’t know how to deal with negative emotions, we’re likely to turn them inward on ourselves, believing, “I’m not good enough.” That guilt and shame slowly erodes our physical, emotional, and spiritual energy until we lack any incentive or energy to do anything. We feel exhausted and paralyzed, sometimes leading to depression.
WARNING: If you have not consciously felt comfortable with your negative emotions in your life yet, and especially if you have experienced some kind of trauma or severe emotional neglect, this is likely to be quite an emotional rollercoaster for you. Any frequent or continuous emotional stress does initially take a toll on our body and mind, so it is super important not to start with particularly intense emotions initially. Practicing mindfulness and other self-care practices during this time is also essential. See self-care referenced in point 5.
4. Mindfulness
Not only does mindfulness create space in an overwhelmed anxious mind, but it has now been proven to create physiological shifts in the body, from how our neurons fire and even how hormones are secreted. This doesn’t have to be full-on, legs crossed silence type of meditation. A simple 2 minutes a few times during the day can do the trick.
5. Self-care
When I say self-care, I’m not talking about the fluffy ‘paint your nails’ type of self-care. Although this could be a good short-term pick-me-up if you enjoy that kind of thing. Self-care is so much more than that. Here is my self-care guide to help you get started with a self-care practice that helps you nurture and protect the body and the mind.
Consistency is key
At the end of the day, if you don’t commit to implementing these practices with any frequency and consistency, one can understand how the benefits will take quite some time to show. So you need to commit daily to making the necessary changes.
And look, no one is expecting perfection. A break every now and again, will not only not destroy any efforts put in to date, but it can actually be good for you to take a breather from all the emotional intensity now and again.
But if you want to create those new habits of happiness you’re going to have to commit to being consistent. So at least most days.😊
Be willing to believe that as long as you fully commit one day at a time, forgiving yourself for any stumbles along the way, you will get there.
Don’t push yourself too hard though. If you feel overwhelmed by any of the things I’ve suggested, do a breathing exercise and wait until you feel ready again, whether it be the same day or even a week later.
It is a long slow process.
Be kind to yourself.
What could the rewards of all that practise look like?
- You freely celebrate your successes
- You know exactly what you like and are not afraid to ask for it
- You know your strengths & weaknesses
- You have a strong sense of purpose
- You’re comfortable feeling strong emotions
- You listen to your body
- You trust your gut feelings
- You are not defined by how you look
- You are committed to self-care
- You don’t hold on to the past
- You’re comfortable with alone-time
- You love who you see in the mirror – even on a bad day🥰
We could always BE better in some way – because we are not perfect.
But as long as we commit to being a better person today than we were yesterday, for ourselves and for others, we are good enough at any one moment in time.
We are always going to make mistakes along the way, because we are not perfect. But these are most often our best learning opportunities and should be embraced to foster our best possible ‘good enough’.
If you’re struggling with feeling unworthy, constantly feeling stressed, overwhelmed, ruminating or just plain only ‘not good enough’, then my new membership programme Club CALM could be for you. In there I will help you with real practical ways to create positive change in YOUR day-to-day life – so that all the problems for the future can feel more like an adventure than an impossible hurdle.