You will see from the image below that over the last 20 years, suicide rates have not been able to be reduced in any significant way. You will also notice that men make up 75% of those that take their own life, with similar statistics in relation to drug addiction and homelessness. The interim figures released for 2022 show that the suicide rate for women remained at 5.5 per 100,000 while men increased from 16 to 16.8 per 100,000 population. While every single one of these deaths is one too many, there is clearly a bigger issue that needs to be addressed with regard to men.
It Is Time To Ditch Toxic Masculinity
Historically, our sons were socialised for disposability. They were taught to call it ‘glory’ to die in wars. Even today, we encourage our boys and men to ‘win’ at the risk of suffering an injury, and call it ‘courage’ if they continue on rather than getting the appropriate medical help.
Personally I feel the concept of ‘toxic masculinity’ unfairly stereotypes men, holding every man accountable for the misdeeds of any man, and manifests as self-loathing in our boys and men. The problem is not with masculinity itself but with the way society is failing to support and guide young men as they navigate the challenges of growing up. The transition from patriarchy to gender equality has been a real challenge for men. There seems to be this expectation by many women that men should ‘adapt or die’ wheras women have received significant support with their transition since women got equal voting rights in Britain in 1928.
But certain aspects of traditional masculinity can be harmful if they are taken to extremes. For example, men who are overly aggressive, domineering, or violent are not living up to their potential and are likely to cause harm to themselves and others. Or as the Japanese say it, risking “Karoshi”, “death from overwork” because they feel obligated to play the ‘Hero role’ in providing for their family.
For years, men have been conditioned, by both men and women, to believe that their worth is tied to their achievements and success. This traditional view of masculinity has led to a culture of aggression and dominance that tends to harm not only men, but those that they truly care about too.
Furthermore, toxic masculinity can lead to a culture of violence and aggression. Men who are unable to express their emotions may turn to violence and aggression as a way to assert their dominance and power. This can lead to domestic violence, sexual assault, and other forms of abuse.
The softer side of men being unable to express their emotions and be vulnerable can lead to men feeling isolated, depressed and anxious.
The traditional role of men as providers and protectors has also had harmful effects on men’s emotional well-being by being conditioned to suppress their emotions and to avoid vulnerability at all costs so that they can behave dominant and aggressive when needing to protect those ‘under their responsibility’.
All in all toxic masculinity makes it a real challenge for men to form meaningful connections with others and therefore often end up feeling isolated and alone, whether that be passively or aggressively.
It is time form men to recognise that embracing traditional gender roles does not make you strong or successful. Instead, it can lead to isolation and a lack of meaningful connections with others. To combat this, men need to shift their focus towards developing emotional connections and recognising that vulnerability and emotional expression are essential for building stronger relationships.
What To Do About Escalating Misandry?
Feminism is a diverse and complex movement, and there are many different perspectives and approaches within it. While some individuals may hold the belief that men should provide for them in the name of feminism, this perspective is not representative of all feminists or feminist movements.
It is also important to distinguish between genuine demands for gender equality and individual desires for wealth and status. While some individuals may use the language of feminism to justify their own self-serving or materialistic goals and aspirations, this is not reflective of the broader feminist movement’s goals of achieving social, economic, and political equality between genders.
However, gender inequality is not solely a women’s issue. Men are also impacted by gender inequality, and many men are actively working towards promoting gender equality and dismantling patriarchal systems of power. But like most things, if bad behaviour isn’t challenged, it becomes intrenched as a societal norm.
So what can men do to help, to not only limit this intrenchment, but actually help turn things around? By respectfully and compassionately challenging overt forms of misandry with curious questioning.
The questions could look something like this:
“Have you experienced behaviour from me to suggest that I fit your view of men in general?”
If the woman in question is able to provide a specific example, ask “What do you think would have been a more appropriate way for me to behave?” Try to remain genuinely curious. Remember that we unintentionally piss other people off all the time and being willing to hear the perspective others have of us, can actually help us build self-awareness. She may respond with some genuine constructive feedback. If you feel her example shows clear prejudice, you could respond with something like “I’m aware that there are some real bastards out there, just as there are some really shitty women. But I know that not all women are the same, just as I know not all men are the same. Don’t you think it would be better for all us, our kids, and society, if we shared our views in a more respectful way?”
If she cannot provide any examples, you can respond in a similar way as suggested above.
Now I’m sure that is unlikely to be the end of the conversation, but it is a good starting point. Again, stay committed to remaining respectful and curious.
And I’m also sure there are going to be times when neither man or woman are going ‘to be turned’ from their prejudiced views. It is at this time you need to be clear on your values and commit to keeping the company that aligns with them best.
Men can also play a role in combatting misandry by being allies to women in the fight for gender equality. This means listening to and supporting women, and speaking out against misogyny and sexism. It is important for men to understand that the true meaning of feminism is not about taking away men’s rights or diminishing their importance, but rather about creating a world where everyone has the opportunity to reach their full potential, regardless of gender.
The Role Mate vs. Soul Mate Dynamic
In the past, men were primarily valued for their ability to provide and protect. This mindset was particularly relevant during the Industrial Revolution, where men were seen as the primary breadwinners of the family. Women were expected to stay at home and care for the kids, while men were expected to work long hours to provide for their families.
While this model may have worked in the past, there is little relevance for it in our modern society. Women have entered the workforce in large numbers, and gender roles have become more fluid. This shift has allowed men to prioritise their emotional and relational needs, and to seek out more meaningful connections with others. Due to this, men are needing to find their value and purpose in a new way.
This is one of the reasons the concept of the “soul mate” has become more prevalent in recent years. This idea suggests that individuals can find a partner who complements their values and emotional needs, rather than simply seeking out a partner based on physical attraction or social status.
For many men, being the provider and protector is still extremely important to them. However, this does not need to be at the expense of a deeper connection. Not all women (or homosexual men), want the full scale gender equality as it is being forced now in western society. There are many women who would show genuine appreciation for a provider and protector. I feel this is even possible when patriarchy forms the basis of the relationship. I have a number of clients who belong to a strict religious doctrine where patriarchy is core to their belief system. The struggles these clients have are mainly with identity, as can typically be the case for individuals living by a doctrine. Although I am not an appreciator of doctrines as a general rule, I know from working with these clients, that deep, loving, supportive and respectful connections between couples is completely possible where the relationship is patriarchal.
Patriarchy itself is not the issue, it is the perception that being the patriarch cannot include vulnerability. It is this lack of being willing to feel vulnerable and to share the feelings of vulnerability that cause a significant number of relationship problems. And then there is also the feeling of entitlement by the patriarch, to be served, that can be prevalent in some patriarchal relationships. I would advise, if you are committed to a patriarchal intimate relationship, and you have or are going to have kids, just remember that those kids need to be prepared to be able to navigate a gender equal society for them to be able to build meaningful relationships themselves.
Whether men want to remain the provider and protector, or want a gender equal relationship, there is a shift that men need to make happen. This is the shift to choosing to learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable and expressing it in a healthy way. Men need to understand that expressing emotions and being vulnerable doesn’t mean making themselves vulnerable or that they are weak. When they show vulnerability and emotional expression, they are able to build stronger connections with others and live more fulfilling lives.
Seeking Support and Resources
Suicide statistics over the last 70 years show that men’s struggle in recognising the value to reach out for help is nothing new. Expectations of modern day society I feel may just be exacerbating this challenge.
Despite data showing that the prevalence of thoughts of suicide and self-harm are similar among genders, far fewer male employees are seeking support.
It’s essential to recognise that we don’t have to navigate the world alone. Having cheated death by suicide myself, I can remember constantly reading “reaching out for help is a sign of strength”. It just seemed to piss me off and make me feel smaller at the time. But when you’re feeling those desperate feelings of worthlessness, feeling a burden, to reach out for the help you need, does actually require an act of strength. The act of courage. But the challenge is, that this is when we are actually feeling our weakest, our most vulnerable. And although I am a woman, due to my upbringing, my resistance to reach out for help was closer aligned to the thought processes of feeling shameful and a burden, which is more typically associated with men than women. I can also tell you that not reaching out for help earlier can often lead you down that rabbit hole of thinking there is no way out.
So if you struggle to recognise how reaching out for help could be seen as a strength, try instead believe that you have the strength of courage to deal with whatever feelings of shame are likely to come up for you, when you do finally have the courage to reach out.
But maybe your fear of hearing “just man up”, “just suck it up” or “attention seeker” seems too much for you to reach out for help at this time. Until you find that courage, you can possibly look at just starting at changing some of your habits. Mental health needs physical support. This could be drinking a little more water, getting more regular exercise, getting more sunlight and getting outside, changing what you read, changing what you listen to, deep breathing exercises. You will be amazed what a difference just doing the little positive things can make.
Another thing which is particularly important for men, is for you to surround yourself with a bunch of good men who have good hearts, where you feel safe for the right reasons. Men that inspire and challenge you to be better. A number of my male clients have realised that the men they connected with on a regular basis were not able to offer them this and found ways to find healthier male connections. Reflect on your friendships and see whether it is time to start connecting with men who align more with who you truly need to be to be happy.
So whether you’re struggling with mental health, relationship issues, or just need someone to talk to, know that there are resources available. Reach out to a friend, family member or professional support. Don’t suffer in silence. And if you’re not sure where to start, do some research online, ask for recommendations or you can even have a chat with me.
The Takeaway
Navigating the world as a man in our modern society requires men to open their mind to a more balanced approach to life. Men need to prioritise their emotional and relational needs, and recognise that vulnerability and emotional expression will create a fulfilling life for them.
Men and women are different in many ways. With all the gender equality hype it can be difficult to see the benefits in our differences. There are benefits in your masculinity. Find them and make them work for you.
Every one of us can be the drop that creates the ripple in creating a better society for us all. As a woman I’m committed to dripping my drop. As a man, are you committed to dripping your drop?
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And if you’re a man struggling with life in some way, I have my The Man Within program that could be just what you need to realise that you do have real purpose and value to offer. By joining The Man Within you will also build the skills and confidence to know that you will be able to deal with whatever life throws at you in the future.
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, help is available – International suicide hotlines
